A Pictorial Review

As I was going back and finding all kinds of photos to share on here, I found a few (hundred) that I thought you all might enjoy seeing. Some are VERY young pictures of Jennifer and me when we were dating, some are pics of Kaitlyn as a tiny baby and a couple are real "character" pictures. You'll understand why I loved working in radio and some of the cool things I got to do once in a while.

By the way, the last picture is...well, how should I put this? Gross? Disgusting? Embarrassing? Repulsive? Yeah, those are pretty good descriptions but I'll let you be the judge. Please feel free to comment and poke fun at that pic...Jennifer already has. What's a few more insults and good-natured self-depricating humor gonna hurt?

Look at those legs! Yowza! When you have someone like this cheering for you, even if you WERE sitting on the bench (uh-oh...I'm sensing more therapy for me), you know life is gooood! You can see why I was so smitten with my beloved, having no chance to escape her web of seduction! LOL

Ah yes...there are all kinds of songs I could use as a caption here. Choose your favorite.

"Can You Feel The Love Tonight?"

"And They Called It Puppy Love"

"I Can See The Heaven In Your Eyes"

"Beauty and the Beast"

Yes, I do realize how lucky I am. Just look at how haawwwwwtt she is! She could have said 'yes' to anyone but she said it to me. I say this with all seriousness...I really DO love that girl!

Here is that bib I wrote about a few blogs ago. See the "I love my daddy"?? Awww...she was so cute.

This is a time when I got my face painted professionally to look like Darth Maul, the bad guy from Star Wars: Episode 1. As you can see, Kaitlyn isn't nearly as frightened as I thought she'd be. In fact, most of the time I was in Jedi Garb, she was laughing and gigging as I was chasing her around the house. She was relieved to see it was me as I picked her up from daycare that day. The other children, however, weren't nearly as "comfortable" around me. I think the daycare staff wasn't too impressed with my grand entrance, especially as I caused (unintentionally) a bunch of the kids to burst out in tears. Whoops.

OK, here it comes. An ugly picture that I'm warning you...it MAY cause you to spit Cheerios out your nose after viewing it. Remember...you've been warned.

I told you this pic wouldn't be pretty. Eeewww...gag me with a spoon. No, this isn't a rejected JCPenney photo for some demented Dockers Shorts ad. It's me and Jen's first Mustang at my grandparents' house. I guess I thought this looked like a..."natural" pose. I guessed wrong. "Magnum P.I" it's not. Probably more like "Magnum P.U."

The Wrap Up

Since Jake's birth, I've embarked on a new "career" of sorts. Being a "stay-at-home dad" is one of those things that most people will look at you and smile and say "oh that's great you get to be home with the kids so much" but I can tell deep down, a lot of them are saying "you're a what? You're letting your wife go out and make the money while you go out and play golf?"

Well, it's not quite all that simple but...yes. My wife has had an incredible opportunity given to her and did an exceptional job preparing herself to enter the medical field. With 4 years of high school, 4 years of college, 4 years of medical school and 5 years of residency, she's obviously put in the time and effort to achieve her dream of being a doctor.

Not to mention...being married to me. Who wouldn't want that dream? LOL

Although it may not be the "typical" situation of who works and who stays home, it's a deal that works very well for us. No longer do we have to draw straws to see who's going to stay home with sick kids or make arrangements for someone else to be there to welcome the kids home from school. Plus, if you want to just look at the overall income of a doctor vs. the overall income of a radio disc jockey, wouldn't you do the same? While I may not be "alpha male" guy who goes out to work every day and comes home with the daily stress of the office on my shoulders, I've learned that my "job" is just as important as Jennifer's...and vice versa.

We don't ever take this "situation" for granted, knowing full well that we've been blessed to have the kind of life we do. God is gracious, merciful and has presented us with more opportunities than we could've ever dreamed. I would've told you how crazy you were if 6 years ago you'd have said I'd be a stay at home dad today, forsaking my precious Van Halen and radio career and focusing on my faith and my family.

God has been so good to us the past few years. He's blessed us with all kinds of "stuff" but the things I treasure and praise Him the most for is:

1. Saving me completely from a life filled with sin, emptiness and temptation and gave me one built on hope, love, faith and peace in Him.
2. An absolutely beautiful wife who I thank God for each and every day. I know it's me who's the lucky one in this duo. As my pastor says "I definitely punted out of my own coverage".
3. Two beautiful and spirited children. I cannot imagine how empty our lives would be if we had not had these kids. They bring us such joy (and at least a few gray/white hairs have started to appear on one of our heads...guess who's head it is? Here's a hint...SHE'S got a lot more hair than I do) and we realize that God has indeed blessed our lives because of them.
4. Our extened family. My grandparents, our parents, sisters, cousins, aunts & uncles...they've all played a major role in enhancing our lives.

I've taken you on a brief journey as to who I was, where I came from, what I was like to who I am today, where I am (mentally and spiritually) and Who I want to be like. Jennifer and I have definitely had our up's and down's, experiencing births as well as passings, joys and sorrows and we've watched our marriage grow into what it is today.

I give thanks to our God for His mercies and the blessings He's bestowed on us all. Regardless of whatever season or valley we've traveled through, He's always proven Himself to be faithful, guiding and protecting us along the way. He's shown us His love for us...for ALL of us...in so many ways. Praise Him for His goodness and mercy! My prayer for you all tonight is that if you know Him at this very moment, you'll strive to go deeper into an intimate, personal relationship with Him. He has so much more in store for all of us.

If you don't know Him yet and would like to, He's just beyond where you can see Him. All God is waiting for is for you to open the door and allow Him to come into you, change you and mold you into what HE wants you to be. Submit your lives, your families, your everything over to Him! I promise you...it'll be not only the beginning of an incredible lifelong journey, it'll be the absolute best thing you'll ever do! Trust and believe on Him.

Quick note too...I just got home from choir tonight and want to acknowledge our Lord and Savior tonight for His mercy and His provision!! Without going into any details but just know that God is good, I lift up my friends, the Pray family, and give God glory on their behalf!! There seems to always be a song to represent an exact emotion or situation we're all going through. As I thank God for His goodness to us all tonight, I'm reminded of a song I've recently heard choirs from Prestonwood in Dallas TX as well as the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir sing.

It's called "Thou O Lord" and each time I hear it, it's message of hope & praise hit me dead center in my heart. I hope and pray the words of it's chorus (which you can also find amid the numerous Psalms) bring light and encouragement to you this very night.

"For thou oh Lord are a shield for me, the glory and the lifter of my head.
Thou oh Lord, are a shield for me...the glory and the lifter of my head.
I cried unto the Lord with my voice and He heard me out of His holy hill.
I laid me down and slept and awakenend for the Lord sustained...the Lord sustained me!"

Thank you Lord for Your faithfulness and Your everlasting power to cleanse us, heal us and restore us!!

Who Am I (part 8)?

"Well, you've gone and done it again. You're about to have another one, huh" I thought to myself. "Way to wrap up the ol' Disney vacation there."

Yep...my beloved was having another one of my spawn (a term used affectionately, of course) and we were naturally excited. Even Kaitlyn seemed excited about the idea of us bringing another life into the home. In fact, it was Kaitlyn who helped share the message we were having another baby. I'd just come home from work and she & Jennifer were home together. They said they had a surprise for me (I'm thinking a chocolate cake would be nice) but they go upstairs to Kaitlyn's room.

"Unless they've hidden a cake in her room, I'm not getting anything edible" I began to realize.

20 seconds later, they both came bounding down the stairs with a big ol' NOTHING in their hands. Ummmm...OK. The surprise is in the kitchen, right?

"Look at Kaitlyn, Daddy" Jennifer said.

I did...and didn't see anything. I looked at her hair (did they color it? No...) I looked at her face (did they put on a bunch of makeup? No...) and looked at her feet (maybe they did her nails...nope).

"I don't see anything" I said.

"Look at her shirt" Jennifer said as Kaitlyn began to giggle and stretch it out for me to read.

It said:

"I'm going to be a BIG SISTER!!"

1....2....3....4....5.

5 seconds is all it took this time yet I still had to ask in typical dumb-husband fashion.

"Wait...a big sister? Does this mea---you mean you're having a baby" I asked as I turned toward Jennifer. "How did this happen??"

Now for the sake of anyone under the age of 12 who may be reading this, I won't go into the details here on this blog. Go ask Mommy & Daddy when you're 12 "how it happens". I don't want a bunch of angry parents calling me complaining about my sage advice and straight talk. And by the way...I DO know how it happens. haha!

So, another child on the way and we're growing about as much as my belt size. Another notch.

During this time, my faith and reliance upon God started really deepening as my radio career started to take a different road. I'd been on KPLA for about 6 months when I was called into the operation manager's office for a little sitdown. He told me of the classic rock station in Jefferson City (about 25 miles away) that they'd like me to go be the program director of.

"Ummm, I like it here in Columbia, on KPLA" I replied. "Do I have to be promoted?"

"Well, we know it's kind of a drive and the facilities aren't as nice as the ones here but we'd like for you to do it" he said. "Plus, let's be honest...you're more of a classic rock guy instead of a Michael Bolton DJ, right" he asked, trying to sway me on how KJMO was going to be 'cooler' than KPLA.

"Well...kind of. But I thought-"

"OK then. It's settled" he interrupted. "You'll be the new KJMO guy, starting in a couple weeks. Congratulations!"

"Thanks...I think. Hey, not to sound too disrespectful and all, since I appreciate you all thinking enough of me to be the PD down in Jeff City but what if I'd rather stay here" I asked.

He got this sly, chesshire cat grin on his face, squinted his eyes ever so slightly and said in a lowered voice "It sure is nice having you be a part of this radio group..."

Message received. Do it or begone with yourself, thou foulest of peons!!!

Hellooooo Jefferson City!! I love ya!!

(groans)

So, I started like on KJMO soon after New Year's 2002 and the new 30 minute commute....which for me, was a new thing altogether. I know other people did it everyday and some people did it for an hour or more, but it didn't mean I wanted to. Regardless, I went to work at KJMO, one of the lowest rated stations there in the Columba-Jeff City market.

Time marches on and as I got used to the commute, I began listening to a few radio ministers: Dr. Adrian Rogers (Love Worth Finding) and Dr. David Jeremiah (Turning Point). I can't begin to tell you how much these 2 gentlemen helped guide me through my new found faith, helping to reinforce what I already knew PLUS teach me things I didn't. In fact, I got so involved with some of their radio shows and so attracted to the content of these programs, I strongly considered going to work for the Christian station that aired them daily. However, that station was almost 100% simulcast/syndicated and all I'd probably have been was a board op.

Not to mention that it was also in Jeff City. So, I stayed at KJMO and tried to make it sound better, tweaking the music and trying to, in the words of several radio gurus, make chicken salad out of chicken guts. That's putting it mildly...most radio people talk pretty "frankly".

As the miles racked up on my car and the months ticked by toward the birth of baby #2, a weird thought began to bounce around in my mind. It was one that I tried to dismiss but it kept coming back...and it really started to make sense. So I posed it to my wife one night.

"Honey, after we have the baby, what would you think about an idea I have" I asked.

"What's that?" she said.

"Now hear me out on this one. It's an idea that keeps bouncing around and I think it just might work."

"What is it" she asked again.

"What if...I quit radio and became a 'stay-at-home dad'" I said in a rapid fire manner.

Silence. More silence. A little more silence.

"Wouldn't you miss radio" was her response.

Whoa. That was WAY too easy. Did I just volunteer to go clean latrines at Faurot Field, I wondered. She was only concerned for if I'd miss radio?? Wow. Maybe I won't have to give her my 5 page dissertation on the benefits of me staying home.

"Well, maybe a little bit. But you know, since I've been saved, rock music isn't where my heart is anymore. It's being here with you guys and I'm willing to put my career on hold if it'll make things easier for us, from a homefront standpoint" I said.

We kicked it around a few more weeks and finally decided that's what I'd do. After the boy was born, I was going to give up my dreams of being a big time DJ in St. Louis interviewing famous musicians and instead, I'd be at home changing diapers and tending to the kiddies.

And, as planned, on July 11th, 2002, Jacob Turner Ragsdale came into the world...and also as planned, about 3 weeks later, after Jennifer had healed up from the birth and C-section, I went to the radio station (who had been AWESOME about giving me time off to be with both Jake and Jennifer) and resigned.

"Jim Hunter" was gone and I was starting the journey of staying home with Jake.

As you can see, I was off to a rousing start.

Who Am I (part 7)?

After 9-11 and my awakening to God's voice, I began to notice my priorities really beginning to change. Work and personal success were no longer as vital to me and defining me as a person. I was more into my family, raising our daughter and most importantly, figuring out how to hear from God on a regular basis. What did I need to do to grow more in Him each day? As simple as the first steps are in any relationship, they're also the most difficult, primarily because it's something new. Although this was indeed something I wanted in my life (to grow in God's will) I needed some direction and I figured it all began with reading the Bible.

Easier said than done.

How do I do this? Just throw it up in the air and began reading on whatever page it landed on? No, I needed and wanted a more defined way to dig into His word. I'd heard from a few people that the book of John was a good place to start then move on in the New Testament and begin reading Psalms and Proverbs as well.

So I tried this...at night, when I was the most exhausted and worn out. As you can imagine, I didn't get this into a daily routine for quite a while. In fact, although I was trying to do what He wanted from me, reading and understanding the Bible was extremely difficult. The church we were going to wasn't a big help either because one of their "doctrinal" points was that they had no "doctrine" and they allowed for each person to interpret things (ie: the Bible) in their own way.

Hmmmm...something about this didn't feel right. I can interpret for myself what God is saying? How do I do that...I just heard His voice for the first time a few months ago. I need some help here. I needed some strong Biblical teaching from a well-grounded person who knew the Bible inside and out and was good at communicating things to people.

Let's hit pause for just a moment on the "spiritual front" and move over to the "career front".

After 9-11, everyone's life was affected and in many ways we'd have never realized. Jennifer was supposed to fly out to a medical testing conference a week after 9-11 but as you can imagine, those tests were postponed. We were also supposed to take Kaitlyn to Flordia to Disneyworld for a week's vacation but, again, we rescheduled it until sometime in November.

Now, in the "wonderful" world of radio (haha) there are certain times when on-air people are not allowed to take time off. It's a 3 month ratings period affectionately known as "the book". It's when Arbitron mails out thousands of diaries to people, hoping they'll take the time and be honest about their listening habits. What station they listen to, which jocks they like (and don't), how long they listen to each station, what are the elements of said staion(s) that keep them as a listener, etc. Apparently, a jock being gone for 3-5 days during "the book" is enough (in some GM's minds) to lose listeners. Logic would make you believe that if this were true, DJ's were actually very important to the overall success to the station...and perhaps were paid that way, right?

Wrong.

We were constantly hammered, both by our bosses as well as the ever increasing presence of automation machines, that we could be replaced rather easily and we should be happy to work for just dollars above the poverty level.

Seriously.

Who were we to complain about trying to provide a living for ourselves and our families by only making $15,000 a year? GM's would sneer their lips at you and make you feel like you were lucky they took the time to breathe in your general direction, then tell you to hit the road...you weren't getting a raise.

Then, if you were lucky, you watched said GM leave his office, hop into his new sports car or SUV (which was probably bought on trade with one of the local car dealers) and leave for an extended lunch...usually about 2 hours. I'll never forget the smug look on a certain GM's face who literally laughed in mine when after he refused my request for a raise, I told him the reason I needed more money was so I could afford to buy insulin and syringes to stay alive. I revealed I was able to do it by having to occasionally pawn my personal effects (ie: stereos and CD's) to have enough money to do it.

You'd have thought I was on Showtime at the Apollo. He fell out on the floor laughing in hysterics, either under the impression I was joking (which I wasn't) or proving to me he absolutely had no heart.

Insanity is what it is. I can't tell you how happy I am to NOT be in that kind of rat race anymore.

So then, back to Disneyworld. I was lucky enough to have mentioned this to the people at KPLA before I went to work for them, because at that point, we had already bought our plane tix and made hotel accomodations. Naturally, they balked at my requests but they knew I was immediately available and consented to let me take a week off. Once 9-11 hit, we were able to reschedule to November.

While it was an incredible trip for us and especially for Kaitlyn, who wore her Minnie Mouse dress and tap shoes nearly every day, there was a somberness on the last night we were there. I'll never forget the image of Kaitlyn staring off the back of the ferry that was taking us to our van. It was about 9:30pm, it was pitch black and the only thing you could see behind us was Cinderella's castle. There were soft purple and blue spotlights on it, illuminating it in the Florida night. Kaitlyn was captured by it's "magic" and as she clutched to her Minnie Mouse doll, stood up on her tip toes and pointed toward the castle.

It was a precious moment for Jennifer and me. Who knew if we'd EVER be back to Disneyworld again? Who knew if the terrorists would strike central Flordia the next time they tried to attack our soil? Who knew what the future held? Uncertainty and a bit of sadness filled my heart. I really didn't want this night or this vacation to end.

But it did. The incredible memories we had on that trip have stayed with us like we were just there last week.

We left Flordia and made our way back to Columbia, full of excitement of what we just had done for a week but also had some trepidation about having to go back to work. No one ever wants to come back to work after a great getaway, do they? If only we had something we could bring back from the trip that would help us look past the daily grind of work and remind us of the great time we had in Orlando.

Yeah...if only.

Remember that commercial about 2 years ago where the mom is in the elevator with her 3 year old daughter and 2 month old baby in a stroller? There's another lady in the elevator who comments on the kids, saying how cute they are or something like that. The little girl pipes up and says "we just got back from Disneyworld. My mom said my brother Joey is a souvenir."

Man, that sounds awfully familiar. May I introduce our little Disneyworld souvenir, Jake.



"M-I-C...see you real soon! K-E-Y...why? Why? Because it's cramped as all get out and I'm starting to get a real bad charlie horse!! Now get some ice cream and nachos down the chute PRONTO or I'll start rearranging the family room in here...and trust me, you won't like what I do with the walls!!"

Who Am I (part 6)?

I was on my way to work with Kaitlyn in the backseat, singing along with her Barney CD. There was one song in particular, the Muffin Man, that she absolutely loved!! In fact, we played it so much that the laser inside the CD player actually burned the CD so you can't even play that song anymore. True story. But on that day, we were still able to play the entire CD without any problem.

I had stopped at the intersection right before we entered her daycare when my sister Angela called me.

"Hello" I said.

"Hey, what are you doing right now? Have you heard what just happened?" she asked.

"Well, I'm about to drop Kaitlyn off at school. We're listening to Barney so I don't have the radio on. What's going on?" I replied.

"You will not believe this, in fact I can't believe what I'm seeing, but a plane just flew into one of the World Trade Center towers" she said excitedly.

"What?? A plane flew into the World Trade Center? Are you kidding? Let me drop Kaitlyn off and I'll call you right back" I said.

What in the world was going on? I mean, I'd heard of plane crashes before but a plane actually flying into a building? Proposterous. There had to be more to this story.

I quickly dropped Kaitlyn off and got back in my car, not saying much to the daycare workers for fear of scaring some of the kids...but there was a very tense atmosphere there as a few teachers had quietly begun to gather around a TV. Word of this "crash" had started to trickle in so I hurried out the door to turn on the radio. I also called Angie back as I began to listen to the reports from New York.

"Jimmy, another plane has just hit the other tower now and officials are speculating this is not an accident. They are thinking this is planned out" she told me as she picked up the phone.

The radio reports from our morning show on KPLA were relaying the info that the Associated Press was sending across the wire. You could hear alarms going off in the background as Tom & Sara were talking, people speaking in loud, excited voices just off the mic and a very tense vibe began to permeate the airwaves.

"Angie, I have to get to the station. It sounds like they're going to need some help with all these reports. I'll call you later" I said.

My mind began to race as I contemplated what was going on and as I tried to prepare myself for the stressful situation I was about to walk in to there at the station. Our radio group had 4 stations in one building. KPLA (the one I was on), an adult rock station (AAA is how it's referred to in the radio biz...people like REM, Sting, Sheryl Crow and more eclectic artists), a top 40 station and KFRU, the news-talk station. KFRU had pretty much taken over most of the other 3 stations airwaves (an all station simulcast) and people had crammed into the KFRU studio to watch one of the several TV's that had begun showing the now infamous images of the two towers billowing smoke and debris. This was unreal.

Announcers on the television (network anchors) were starting to sound nervous and unsure of what was actually going on. People were running in the streets. There was confusion and panic beginning to set in, both in New York (on the TV) and in our own newsroom. Smoke continued to billow and pour from the windows. Some people watching the TV's said they thought they actually saw people jumping from the windows to a certain death.

I never saw that but I know many who did.

I spoke out loud to whomever might respond "Those towers are pretty strong right? I mean, there's not much chance of them collapsing, is there?"

Silence. Then a couple stammers.

15 seconds later, someone screamed out.

One of the towers had just collapsed.

I was in absolute shock and horror. My stomach began to churn and ache feverishly. Did I just see what I thought I saw? Did one of the WTC towers just fall? Oh man...the people trapped inside, the people under the building, the destruction, the carnage that was beginning to be realized...and another tower STILL on fire.

"Please God" I prayed in desperation. "Please, please, please God...spare those people and protect them from any more destruction. Oh God, be with the firefighters who are there trying to help save the other build---"

The other tower fell in a cloud of sickening sight and sound.

"Oh God! The other tower just FELL!!" someone yelled from down the hallway. A few people left the room with their hands over their eyes and mouth. Others stood there silently, looking bewildered at each other for support and for reassurance. Yet there was none to be found.

Someone had caused the death of countless thousands of people by crashing 2 jets into the World Trade Center.

And then, to make matters even worse, there came a report of a lone jet that had just been confirmed as veering from it's original course and was now headed eastward...presumably toward Washington DC.

Would this madness ever end? How could all of this happen? Couldn't our law enforcement or military do something to stop this chaos? Where was the next "attack" going to occur? Were WE safe there in Mid-Missouri? I thought of Jennifer and Kaitlyn, both of whom were witin one mile of a nuclear reactor on the University of Missouri campus. What if someone decided to blow up a plant in the heart of the US, much like they did in Oklahoma City a few years earlier?

Police radio scanners were going off all over the newsroom. People were running around frantically from studio to studio with rapid fire updates. Local law enforcement officials were moving into position to try and prevent a tragedy there in Columbia, most notably there at Reactor Field.

The entire day's programming was pre-emtped (obviously) by newscasts from the networks and us there locally. There were no leisurely contests going on over the airwaves, no plans being made for lunch, no standing around the coffee machine discussing the Tigers, no...it was utter chaos. I remember all of the jocks being on the air giving updates as they became available and it wasn't an issue which station you were on. We had KPLA jocks doing updates on KBXR. KFRU newscasters updating the listeners on KPLA. People pitching in as much as they could, trying to keep people informed.

Later that afternoon, rumors of price gouging at the gas pumps began to spread. People making mass purchases at the local grocery stores, gas station owners increasing a gallon of gas to near $5, parents pulling their kids out of schools to rush home. Panic was starting to ensue and we had to be there on the air, attempting as best we could to calm people's fears, reassuring them that there was NOT going to be a gas shortage in Mid-Mo...as long as everyone acted in a responsible manner.

Every thing we take for granted on a daily basis (ie: food, water, gas, travel) was now falling under the public eye of having supplies depleted.

I don't remember when I got on the air but I do remember driving home that night around 8:30. It was dark and quiet, things had started to settle down, at least in regards to the public panicking there locally. There were still reports coming in from New York, some valid, others more rumor than fact. You even had a few nutjobs who felt this was a good time to pull a prank bomb threat.

As I drove home, I sat in silence and started thinking about...everything. My life. My family. My job. The things that were TRULY important in my life. And then, I heard something I'd never heard before.

I heard a voice. It was a voice deep within my heart and head. It spoke calmly and soothingly to me.

It said "be still...and know that I am God."

"Know...that I am God."

"Know that I am God and I love you. I have always loved you and I want you to know Me."

The stress of the day, the realization that I was not nearly as strong as I thought I was and hearing this Voice speak words of comfort and peace...to my SOUL...it was all I could take.

I pulled off the side of the road and began to weep. Giant sobs welled up from within me as I began to think of all those who'd lost their lives that day, as I thought of all the families who would never see their loved ones again, as I thought of all those people who would never see their spouses or family members anymore...and as I thought of all those babies out there who'd never see Mommy or Daddy ever again. I was broken, physically and spiritually. I had never felt such grief or such vulnerability before.

I was literally there, scared, naked and raw. I actually felt a quaking going on inside my heart as I thought of all the events of that day. As I remembered the images of those towers falling again and again and again, I saw in my mind the walls around my heart begin to quiver, then crumble and finally crash to the ground in a giant heap of rubble. I cried out to God and pleaded for Him to save me.

"God, I know I've been doing my own thing for far too long and ignoring you. I know that I've been drifting further and further away from you. I know that I've never had the kind of relationship with you where I've TOTALLY submitted my life to you. I've been a drunk, acted like an idiot, been tempted by other women, lied and cheated just to get ahead on the job, promoted the sin and debauchery You loathe and have justified it as 'just doing my job'.

My Lord, please forgive me of all of this. If You've been trying to get my attention, You've succeeded. I'm here and I'm listening to Your voice. God, I'm so sorry for all I've done and I ask for Your forgiveness of all my sins. I've tried to find places for You to "fit" in my life but right now, I totally give it ALL up to You. I give up my job...take me where You want me to go. I give you my family...please bless and protect them. Make me the husband and father YOU want me to be. I give you my rock music...I no longer need Van Halen or anyone else to satisfy my soul. Take away my desire for that music and lifestyle. I want to live to serve You in ALL things. God, please hear my prayer tonight."

There is no way to verbally explain the immediate peace I felt and the enormous weight that was lifted off my shoulders and out of my life. Though I was still in sorrow over the day's events and the realization of the brokenness of my life, I began to experience joy and peace from God above. I felt like I knew He had forgiven me and He was going to start working in my life, taking me to places I'd never dreamed I'd go.

I felt like I was coming home.

When I got home that night, I did like I'm sure countless thousands did. I held onto my family and told them I loved them and I was so glad they were home safe with me.

That's the same thing I felt (and heard) God say to me as I opened my life to Him that night in my 1998 white Grand Am on Georgetown Drive.

"My child, I love you. I love you so much I gave you my Son as a sacrifice for your sins. And even though this has been a painful day for you, I am SO glad you are finally home with Me. The angels and I are applauding wildly for you this very moment. Remember...I love you and I will never leave nor forsake you."

God, through His miraculous greatness and mercy, saved me on 9-11. He has shown me so much in the past 4 1/2 years and has helped me to walk and mature in His way. He's done everything He said He would do. He took the sin and sorrow from my life and replaced it with a joy unspeakable. He's given me a new life and a new reason to live! He gave me (and you) His Son Jesus who turned and gave His life for my sins, paying the price of sin I should have paid.

And He also gave me something I'd never really had before 9-11.

He gave me assurance in knowing that when I die, I AM going to Heaven.
He gave me confidence in sharing what He's taught me...that ALL people can receive His gift of eternal life.
He gave me His love.

He gave me His peace.

Thank you God for saving me and making me become the MAN You want me to be. Let my lifesong sing to You and may all who see me see Jesus Christ first.

Who Am I (part 5)?

I had this blog already written once today but somehow, the "connection" between my computer and Blogspot was lost, thus erasing my firts attempt. So, take 2...

If you've been following along, the last thing I talked about was the erroneous assumptions I'd made about my wife and the horrendous odor I had smelled for over 2 hours on the way to our romantic weekend together. Without having to relive the entire event, just scroll down and read the latest. While you're at it, go back and take another gander at the night Kaitlyn was born. I'm going to start today's blog after her birth.

We'd been in Columbia for a couple years and life had changed big time for us. Jennifer was in her second year of residency at the Univ of Missouri, I was the program director of a classic rock station (KCMQ) and we had a new baby girl, Kaitlyn.

Skipping ahead a few years, I could tell things were changing for all 3 of us. Jennifer was really getting into her residency and actually moving up in the ranks of radiologists. We'd started talking about moving into a house instead of our duplex and thoughts of a second child surfaced a time or two. I was still the PD of KCMQ but with most things in life, nothing ever stays the same. We were about to flip from a classic rock format to mainstream rock. What this means, basically, is that we weren't going to be playing as much "older" rock music. We were going to skewer our target demographic a bit younger (men 18-49) instead of the classic rock demo (traditionally 25-54). This was a move I'd been wanting to make for quite a while but since it wasn't my broadcasting company and I didn't sign the checks, I had to go with the flow and continue to try and make KCMQ (classic rock) a viable station in the Columbia-Jefferson City market(s).

During this time, I began to get something I'd hadn't quite had to figure on before we had Kaitlyn.

Morals. Standards. Responsibility for people other than myself. So with this, I had to really start paying attention to what I was listening to in my car whenever Kaitlyn was with me. We had had an "adult" morning show that was known for it's blue humor, although it wasn't as bad as Howard Stern. The show was the Bob & Tom show, syndicated from studios in Indianapolis. They were known for a lot of "degrading" humor towards women as well as just downright filthy language. although it was never bad enough for the FCC to step in and issue fines. Thus, with this show on during the mornings, I'd never listen to it while I was taking Kaitlyn to daycare.

Something about these weird "morals" I was developing...and also hypocritical. I was having issues listening to Bob & Tom with kids in the car but had no trouble listening to it, promoting it and working at the station it broadcast from in Mid-Missouri.

In addition to my new-found sense of responsibility and morals, we'd started going to church as a family. Both Jennifer and I went to church constantly as kids but when we were married, we behaved like newly marrieds...stay up late Friday and Saturday nights, sleep in 'til the crack of noon, get up for a late morning brunch at some restaurant then hit an early afternoon movie. That was our life and we were cool with it. But when Kaitlyn came, we knew we wanted to start bringing her up in a household that lived according to Christian values. We found a church that we really loved. It was warm & friendly, big enough to not be considered back woodsy but small enough to feel like the pastors knew us by our names AND it had a great kids' program.

With the common sense of not wanting my baby girl to hear filth on the radio (not to mention, the embarrassment I felt for "Daddy" working at a place like that) plus the Christian values we'd started getting reacquainted with, going to work began to become a drag. I knew that as Kaitlyn got older, KCMQ was not a place I wanted to be fully associated with. If I could choose any station and remain in radio, I'd have wanted to go to an adult contemporary station...one that was family friendly and played music that I wouldn't have to turn down if Jennifer or Kate were in the care. Too bad for me...the only station like that was across town at the competition and I didn't have the courage to just go in and quit KCMQ.

Luckily for me, I didn't have to make that choice on my own.

2 days after KCMQ flipped from classic rock to mainstream rock, the management called me into the office of the operations manager, closed the door (uh oh...this isn't a good sign but they wouldn't fire me outright would they?) and fired me.

First time for everything I guess.

Mad, livid, furious, hurt and feeling like I'd just lost something I'd helped create now being seen to completion by other people, I began to develop a HUGE sense of resentment toward Zimmer Radio. The methods in which they touted how they "coached" people were totally thrown out the window in my instance and they just let me go. Period. No second chances, no days off to consider my future employment, no paid day away from the station, no UNpaid day away from the station...nothing. Just "this isn't going to work...goodbye".

(Note: I'm happy to tell you that God is much bigger than I am and more able to change lives and hearts than I could even think of doing on my own. I had dear friends there at KCMQ and can unabashedly say today I still have some great, dear, loved people there. Although I don't understand fully the why's and how's, I'm grateful that God saw me through that difficult time and began to use this experience to show me He had bigger things in store.)

So, there I was. No job, 2 months severance (which was very cool and unheard of for ANY prior ZRG employee who'd been released) and full of bitterness. It took me about 2-3 weeks of feeling sorry for myself until I grabbed my boot straps and headed out to the competition. I'd heard that there was a 2-7pm shift available on KPLA, which just happened to be the A/C station I'd wanted to be a part of once Kaitlyn was born.

After a few interviews and (hopefully) convincing the management there at KPLA that I was not a bad apple, I landed the afternoon gig as well as the music director position there. What I thought was going to be smooth sailing and a new, much better chapter in my career became painfully aware that was not going to happen.

One thing you as a reader should be aware of is that radio people, by and large, are very egocentric and ego driven. It's part of this "confidence" that helps us mold our "personality" on the air. While some people may be completely like their on air personality, most are completely opposite. The loud, obnoxious rock jock you can't stand is probably a very likeable, quiet and subdued person. Such was NOT the case of my new boss and program director of KPLA.

Jim was extremely paranoid and was that guy that could never seem to gel with most people. Sure, he'd be at every party and have a good time, but he wasn't the one people would flock around. He was nice enough, I guess, but I could tell he was very intimidated by me...and I kept trying to break the ice with him, assuring him in a passive manner, I was not after his job. The trouble began almost immediately.

One other radio secret you may or may not know is that most radio people don't use their real name on air. Think about it...does your real name sound fun and exciting, like you could actually be someone else (this was a reality for me on several occasions...Jim Hunter was no way like me in real life). I'd been "Jim Hunter" since 1993 (13 years) yet one of the first things they wanted me to change was my air name. I can kind of see why.

KPLA's morning show was called "Hunter and the Hawk", consisting of Sara Hunter and Tom "the Hawk" Bradley. PLUS, in a rare stroke of coincidence, Sara's real life hubby's name was...you guessed it...Jim. So no go to me being "Jim Hunter".

And, being the paranoid, irrational figure that he was, Jim was pushing hard for me to lose "Jim" as well.

Come on people...Jim is my REAL name. I have to abdicate that too??? Ugh.

Tom stepped in to try and help the situation. He had been PD years earlier and always saw the forest through the trees. I think he kind of knew what game Jim was trying to play with me so Tom made a bit out of finding a name for the new afternoon guy.

He reasoned that since I was the music director, the intials after my name would be M.D. Plus, he was also aware my wife was a doctor, another M.D.

"Dr. J?" he asked.

"Well, it's OK...I guess" I responded.

Apparently, the "J" reminded some listeners of Jayhawks...as in Kansas Jayhawks, the arch rival of the Tigers of Mizzou. Thusly, "Dr. J" was out.

I groaned inwardly at what my new name was slated to become.

"Ladies and gentlemen, KPLA's new afternoon guy, Doc Ragsdale!"

Doc Ragsdale? THIS is the best a morning guy can do?? Argh. How humiliating and repulsive. Suddenly, a continued career in radio seemed to get bleaker by the day, especially with the fake "enthusiasm" Jim showed me. None of it was genuine and I was becoming nothing more than someone he could push around at his whim.

I began to wonder if there was yet to be another unexpected life change coming up. Surely, I wasn't going to end up as an afternoon jock with a ridiculous name and an insensitive boss, was I? Was God trying to tell me something? Was there something more for me out there but, as with KCMQ, did I not have the courage to find it on my own?

I had no idea how close to the truth I was, but I was about to get a wakeup call that would entrely affect every aspect of my life.

Who Am I (part 4)?

Before I get back into my "mini-novel", let me just say what an incredible weekend we had at our church for Easter services. I was amazed to see how jammed packed the early Sunday morning service was, as the crowds spilled over from the sanctuary to the chapel and even in the hallways. I was able to listen to Pastor Floyd's message "Responding to the DaVinci Code" out in a side hallway while still in my full "Doubting Thomas" garb. Needless to say, as soon as we got home from lunch, the grizzled look and beard came off within seconds and the baby-faced smooth & clean "me" re-emerged. Just in time for some hot spring days here in NWArk.

I've got Kaitlyn home with me today. She fought a 102 degree fever all weekend and took a bunch of Motrin yesterday so she felt well enough to come see Daddy act like a disciple on stage. The meds wore off almost immediately after lunch and she dozed off the entire way home. She's got the "Tylenol" high going right now and is due for a dose of Motrin as soon as I'm done here today.

So, where were we. Ahhh yes...I was getting a puppy...I mean we were having a baby!

Well, we started calling all our friends and family to tell them the good news. As Jennifer called her folks, I started thumbing through a book called "What To Expect While You're Expecting." I was just glancing at a few pages when I stumbled on a section detailing the changes a woman's body goes through as she begins to adjust having a life grow inside her. One of the things it said would / could happen is the...ummm...how do I put this delicately...bodily emissions (sp?) and the potency therewith.

"Hmmm" I thought to myself. "So she could smell bad from time to time. No big deal. My bride is carrying our child and it will be worth it all!"

We finished up calling our family with the good news and hopped in the car, even more ready to celebrate and relax at the Lake of the Ozarks. We had about a 90 minute drive and we were flying high on emotion. A child??? Us??? Very cool.

We opened up the sunroof and started singing Michael Bolton songs. OK, OK...look. I was under the influence of sheer elation and my singing of MB songs can't be held against me. Plus, my wife seemed to enjoy it so it wasn't like it was MY suggestion.

So there we were, speeding...I mean DRIVING down the interstate at a brisk yet fun-filled pace, sunroof down, stars in the sky, dreams being discussed and love in the air.

Until the "love" in the air began to turn stinky. Then it became raunchy. Finally, it almost began to gag me. What was this putrid odor and where was it coming from? Then I remembered the book.

Oh yes...and oh no. The smells have begun. Wow. I love you sweetheart but that smell...whew. OK man, suck it up and accept it. She's carrying your spawn so you don't need to be complaining to her if she lets a few "out" accidentally. She doesn't complain 'cause you're fat so shut it.

(These are the kind of conversations I have with myself...a LOT!)

Our eyes met and she had a warm, glowing smile on her face.

"Oh man...can she not smell what she's done" I screamed inside my brain? "Just look at her...all smiling and looking hot but totally ignoring the fact she's asphyxiating me over here. Grrrrr...she probably has a gi-normous insurance policy taken out on me that will only go into effect if I die of suffocation...and THIS is the way she's chosen to take me out."

The soft, loving smiles continued between the two of us and still...I said nothing.

I DID roll down my window to hopefully get some relief from the cockpit of the car.

"Ahhhhh...fresh air. It's fresh FARM air that's tainted with the odor of cow droppings but it's at least fresh. Oh come on...we've still got 35 minutes to go. Come on...COME ON!!!" I thought silently.

The waves of odor within the car began to dissipate slightly, enough so that I could finally close my window and the sunroof. By this time, Michael Bolton had been put to sleep and the elation I'd had when we'd left Columbia had become somewhat subdued. Finally, I saw the hotel up ahead.

I whipped into the driveway and leapt from the car to go get checked in...and wouldn't you know it, as soon as I did, I got another HUGE whiff of that odor.

I whimpered inside because I knew at that moment, a few things were becoming crystal clear.

1. No amount or style of lingerie was going to make me feel romantic THAT night.
2. I may have to do something considering we were still about 7.5 months out from the baby.
3. I had to figure out a way to politely tell her about this chapter in the book.

Disappointment and despair began to set in as I approached the check-in desk. I got my keys (we'd booked a romantice room with a spa in it as well, I believe) and got back into the car to park it.

"Did you get the keys" she asked excitedly?

"Yes, I got them. We're just around the corner here" I replied.

Sure enough, the room was ready for us and had all the amenities we'd asked for. For any normal, red blooded BREATHING male, the anticipation of his wife in a sheer red teddy would've been in high gear. Not me though. My 90 minute trip ingesting methane fumes had done me in. I brought in the rest of our luggage and sat despondantly on the bed as Jennifer went to the restroom to unpack her makeup & stuff.

As I untied my hiking boots, the smell hit me again. Egad!! Will I never survive the pursuance of this demonic odor? I felt like some tragic character in a Shakespearean play.

Yet there, to my utter amazement and relief, I found the source of the smell. It wasn't my wife after all. The source of this foul odor was smashed onto the bottom of my shoe. Someone had neglected to clean up after Fido and I had stepped in the evidence and carried it with me that entire way.

I was the source of the stink (so to speak), not Jennifer. Not my sweet, innocent, floral-like princess of a wife. How dare I think such vile, dispicable things about her!!!! The nerve of me!!!

I began to laugh in relief at what I'd found. Jennifer came out of the bathroom and asked what was so funny. As I began to relay the story to her, the smile left her lips and eyes as she then began to pierce me with visual daggers, as if to say "you actually thought I could stink like that?"

Word of advice to all hubbys out there: never assume the stench you dread is not coming from under your own feet...and never share your baseless assumptions (especially those involving your wife) with her. It'll make for a much more relaxing weekend.

(To be continued...)

I've Just Seen Jesus

The title of today's blog is actually one of my all-time favorite songs. In fact, as my wife will tell you, it's one of about 3-4 that I want sung at my funeral. Now, I'm not checking out anytime soon (unless the Lord calls me home sooner than later) but I wanted to let her know that I'd like this song sung as the 3 or 4 people in attendance remember what a nice guy Tim really was.

Or was his name Jeff? Ahhh...he was a good fellow. LOL

In all seriousness though, this song has always had a very special place in my heart. For one reason, it's an absolutely beautiful song that's been made famous by who sings it: Sandi Patti and Larnell Harris. When these 2 get together and sing any of their patented duets, it's almost like you can hear the angels of Heaven singing in celebration of Jesus. Whether it's "I've Just Seen Jesus" or "More Than Wonderful", these 2 singers have an absolute dynamic chemistry & sound that really lifts my spirits whenever I hear them together.

Another reason it's so special for me is that it's written by Bill & Gloria Gaither, 2 of the most revered gospel songwriters in the 20th century. With songs like "He Touched Me", "Because He Lives", "Something About That Name", "Worthy The Lamb", "Get All Excited", "Then Came The Morning", "Let Freedom Ring" and literally hundreds others, the Gaithers have an exquisite way to communicate the love of God through their powerful lyrical storytelling.

But the one reason that this song means so much to me is it's a song we can all take literally and feel like we were there when Mary saw Jesus after He'd just risen from the dead. We can imagine what it'd have been like when He appeared to the disciples in the upper room that day, calming their fears and confirming their belief in Him...that He was and IS the Messiah. The lyrics are also ones that each and everyone one of us can recite and believe that no matter who we are or what we've been through, the blood of Jesus has washed us, saved us and cleansed us from all our sin!

"We knew He was dead, it is finished He said and we watched as His life ebbed away...
So we all stood around 'til the guards took Him down, Joseph begged for His body that day...
It was late afternoon when we got to the tomb, wrapped His body and sealed up the grave...
Well I know how you feel, His death was SO real but please listen and hear what I say..."

"I've just seen Jesus, I tell you He's alive!
I've just seen Jesus, our precious Lord alive!
And I knew He really saw me too
It was as if 'til now I'd never lived...

(now here's where I begin to really get blessed)

All that I'd done before won't matter anymore
I've just seen Jesus and I'll never be the same again!"

"It was His voice she first heard, those kind gentle words asking what was her reason for tears...
And I sobbed in despair 'My Lord is not there'
He said 'Child, it is I, I am here!"

"I've just seen Jesus, I tell you He's alive!
I've just seen Jesus, our precious Lord alive!
And I knew He really saw me too, as if 'til now I'd never lived
All that I'd done before, won't matter anymore
I've just seen Jesus and I'll never be the same again...

I've just seen Jesus!"

Can you imagine the joy and excitement of literally seeing the risen Lord standing there in front of you? Don't you wonder about the thrill of being able to see, feel and touch Him, knowing that only days before He had died a cruel death on the cross...yet now, here He was...ALIVE!!

And now, today, this very moment, the truth of knowing Jesus Christ rose from the dead and forgives us all of our sins...we can ALL be assured that no matter what we've done before, NONE of it will matter anymore for we have seen Jesus and we have that blessed hope of living and knowing Him for all eternity!!

Praise God for the promise of eternal life through the life, death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ!!

He's alive...forever and ever amen!

Good Friday

I'm taking a couple days off from my "Who Am I" blogs to reflect on the next 3 days and what they mean to me as a Believer.

Today is Good Friday, the day when we pause and think about the day when Christ was crucified for the sins of all mankind. I was talking to my daughter this morning about this and asked her if she knew what today was. She said it was Friday and she had the day off from school.

"Yes" I replied "but do you also know it's Good Friday? This is the day when we as Christians think back to the day when Jesus died on the cross for all of our sins. But you know what? Guess what happened in three days?"

"Jesus rose from the dead" she said confidently.

"Yes He did" I said. "We need to be thankful for what God has done for us by not only sending His Son to our world, but that Jesus took our sins with Him to the cross and died for us all."

I told her that later this morning, we were going to go to our sister church, the Church at Pinnacle Hills in Rogers AR, for a big event. They were going to erect the first of 3 giant crosses that everyone can see for miles. The cross today will stand 145' tall, the second will be 160' and the last cross, the central and biggest cross, will stand a daunting 175' tall, visible to over 80,000 cars who drive up and down I-540 everyday in Northwest Arkansas.

Kaitlyn and I met Jennifer there in time to get our cameras set up and hear Pastor Ronnie Floyd give a brief yet poignant sermon on the 3 crosses. He explained how in the book of John, Jesus gives an early description on how He would not only die but also be raised up for all to see.

"As for Me, if I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw all people to Myself." He said this to signify what kind of death He waas about to die. (John 12:32-33)

Pastor then spoke about the relevance of the 3 crosses (the ones there at the crucifixion of Christ) and how we can use them to relate them to others.

"To imagine the cross that the thief was on that rejected Jesus, that cross still said to him 'I love you'. The cross that the other thief was on that said he wanted to go to Heaven, it says, in our minds, 'I forgive you'. But the cross that is the highest of all, that's the cross that Jesus died on, it said 'I save you'."

Wow. I'd never ever considered this but think about this insight and while it's quite simplistic in how you look at it literally, it can impact an entire world...those who believe and those who've yet to hear the good news. Jesus says:

"I love you."
"I forgive you."
"I save you."

Thank God Almighty for His promises and His divine plan for our salvation. Thank Him for the blood of His Son that can wash us whiter than snow and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Thank Him for His sacrifice of going to Golgotha for each and every one of us.

And thank God...three days later, His Son, Jesus Christ tore apart the chains of sin, death, despair, pain, suffering and Hell itself, stood up and walked out of that tomb. He arose from the grave and completed the plan for our salvation, defeating the enemy once and for all. There will be no rematch! Satan is beaten and he knows it. Victory belongs to God Almighty!

To quote the chorus from an incredible song:

"It is finished, the battle is over...
It is finished, there'll be no more war...
It is finished, the end of the conflict...
It is finished and Jesus is Lord!"

Amen and amen! Have a great Easter weekend in celebrating the resurrection of Christ our Lord!

Who Am I (part 3)?

Life had suddenly gotten MUCH better for me! Here was this beautiful girl who wasn't chased off by my bad driving skills or quick wit and who truly seemed as if she really cared for me. It didn't matter to me whether or not I had a bunch of "guy friends" from the football team (I even bumped into one of them last summer at the Promise Keepers rally here in Fayetteville and what's funny...he was still putting on his cocky, awkward, arrogant "I'm a football player" act...nearly 20 years later...needless to say, the conversation lasted about 15 seconds too long). The thing that got me going each day was knowing Jennifer and I were "an item" and I was lucky to have someone as special as she was (and still is) in my life.

We dated seriously throughout the remainder of her high school years (3 proms in total and 2 homecoming dances), went through scuba diving training together, took trips with each other's families, made it through my college years at ASU and when I transferred to the U of A (Fred sat me down one summer afternoon when I told him I was considering transferring and said "OK Jim, let's figure out what you're going to be. 'A'...'agronomy'?" LOL)

Read my blog about Fred to understand the relevance to this.

We both graduated from the U of A; me in 1992 and she in 1993. I'd lost a year's worth of college credit when I transferred from ASU to Fayetteville so that's why we were only a year apart in college.

About a week after graduating, I was reading a newspaper early one morning when I lost my grip and the paper fell to the floor in pieces. The ad that twirled in the air and landed facing me said "Try the new 102 KISS radio...today!!"

I had my degree in Broadcast Journalism and wanted to get back in radio as a career. Could this be my way in? I found out that afternoon and was the new overnight jock for 102 KISS that very night!! Man, was I pumped! One week out of school and I was already on the ladder, climbing my way up a career on the air!

I did the overnight shift for several months, which was taxing due to the hours. Then I was promoted to 7-midnight but due to my boss not giving me enough to live on (I even had to sell my CD's to buy insulin, something he laughed at to my face when I asked him for a raise) I got a part time job waiting tables at a place called Muley's. It was a local favorite for incredible burgers & onion strings but alas...it no longer exists.

My life changed literally overnight as I went from 7-mid on 102 KISS (the lowest rated station) to mornings on KIX 104 (the highest rated station). I changed my on air name to Jim Hunter and my buddy Leny Fox & I became known as "Hunter & the Fox". We had a great year and a half run on top, doing everything from artist intros on stage (Clint Black, Wynonna, Patty Loveless and several others) to a nightly video segment on NBC (local) right before Leno came on to public appearances & remotes. However, with all the fun and sudden exposure, not to mention with Jennifer being in Little Rock for med school, I began to get a case of the "big head".

When people know you're the morning jock on a big station like KIX, you sometimes start getting special treatment. Donuts delivered on the air, free McMuffins, no cover charge at the local night clubs, front row seats to sporting events & concerts, girls giving you "the eye" (but no, I didn't go there but the temptation was real) and alcohol.

A LOT of alcohol. Hey, it's a country music station and think about how many songs deal with booze, night life / night clubs, beer, whiskey, shots of Jagermeister (my poison of preference back then) and the easy access to almost as much as I wanted. Now, I never became an alcoholic where I needed it to survive the day, but me and my buddies would always have something cold in our hands when we were out. It wasn't anything for us to do several shots in addition to the bottles of Corona or Bud Light we'd consume...both out in public and at friends' homes. I hate to admit how much of a lush I was becoming and how much of the "party" lifestyle I thought I needed. Funny thing...all those people who act like they are your friends while you're getting drunk with them...I haven't heard or seen any of them in years. Makes you realize who your true friends really are and who's just hanging around you for either convenience or trying to get something from you (ie: free drinks, free CD's, concert tickets, etc)

However, at a point in my life where things were starting to spiral slowly into a place I knew I shouldn't be, my very loving and patient girlfriend snapped me back to reality. It wasn't like a big blow up either or ultimatum. I just realized after spending a few weekends in Little Rock that what I really wanted was to be with her and I was filling the void in my life with booze and partying with my buds. I was beginning to see what was truly important to me and radio started to take a back seat. I thought that we'd been "dating" long enough. Christmas was coming soon and I wanted to take things to the "next level". It was time I settled down and really commited myself to her, putting her before my career.

I was going to ask her to marry me.

Now, we'd talked about marriage for years but we always had a time table of when would be the best time.

Let's wait until she got out of med school or let's see how the next year in radio goes for me and if I can get a gig in Little Rock. Let's wait another year and save up some money.

Some advice to those of you planning a wedding within the next few years.

Put your time tables on the shelf. They don't ever work. Just like when you think it's the best time to start having kids...there's never a perfect time. Just get in the water feet first and jump right in!

I had it all planned as how I'd ask her. I'd do it on the air. It was Christmas 2004 and Jennifer was up visiting me with her mother and I'd invited her in for the last hour of my show one day. Leny was in Iowa visiting his family for the holidays so it was just me and my roomate, Tom Travis, who was also my best bud and ended up being my best man. I'd asked several people from the station to join us in the studio that day to talk about what they were wanting for Christmas.

Tom blurted out he wanted bullets for his guns and other people said they wanted clothes, jewelry, CD's, etc. I asked Jennifer what she wanted and she replied, in her normal soft-spoken manner, "to spend more time with you."

Gooshiness, love and nausea hit the room instantaneously (depending on who you asked). A chorus of "aawwwww" belted forth and I made my way around the control panel to where Jennifer was standing.

"What I want for Christmas this year" I said as I lowered myself on one knee "is for you to be my wife. Will you marry me?"

I pulled out a ring and showed it to her as she nodded her head and said "yes" into the microphone.

People clapped, girls wept, tears flowed and the sweet, soulful sounds of John Michael Montgomery's "I Swear" began to go out over the air. A truly joyful day and on December 3oth, 1995, we became husband and wife.

We took our honeymoon in Cancun and then began the process of me relocating to Little Rock and looking for a radio job there. I worked a few weeks/months at a small station in Pine Bluff and finally found a 7-midnight job at the Point 94.1. It was a classic hits/rock station and I enjoyed the people and environment there. I'd intially wanted to work at Magic 105, the market's bigtime rocker, but it wasn't in the cards for me. This was the best thing too because I began to hear rumblings on the working environment there vs. how I had it at the Point. The contacts, relationships and experience I made at 94.1 were much better than I'd ever hoped and I've been able to stay friends with several people there.

Then, in 1996, Jennifer had to decide where she wanted to do her residency. She'd already completed 4 years of college, 4 years of medical school, now it was time for a 5 year residency somewhere. We liked Wichita KS, Knoxville TN and Columbia MO. She ranked them Columbia, Wichita and Knoxville and was accepted at Columbia. It was close to home and family PLUS it reminded us a lot of Fayetteville, someplace we dreamed of relocating to one day.

And so, for the next 6 years, we were residents of the Show Me state. She excelled at the University of Missouri hospital, went to work at Ellis Fischel Cancer Hospital there in Columbia and I worked for Zimmer Radio Group as the program director of KCMQ. It was intially an "active rock" station (which means it played all the new rock music with a few harder edged classic rock songs for flavor) then it switched to classic rock (no new music unless it was an occasional feature song like a "now and then" segment...new Van Halen vs. old VH).

Life was going along for us pretty well. I had my radio stuff going on, Jennifer had her residency/Ellis Fischel thing...we were happy. Then came that one day when she and I were going away to the Lake for a weekend of relaxation. I came home and saw the suitcases already packed. She was waiting for me with a gleam in her eye and a small gift bag next to her.

"I have something for you" she said softly yet somewhat excitedly.

"Ohhh yeahhhh" I thought to myself. "I'm off for a romantic weekend with me wife and she got me a present, huh? I hope it's red and see-through"

Instead, it was terry cloth and rolled up. It was about the size of a bratwurst.

"Shoot...no sexy teddy" I thought. "But what is this?"

I unrolled this terry cloth "thing" and saw nothing. It was square, white with pink edging and about the size of a wash cloth.

"Uh OK...it's nice but what is it" I asked.

"Turn it over" she said.

When I did, I saw writing on the other side. It said "I Love My Daddy".

I Love My Daddy. (OK.)
I Love My Daddy. (Don't get it.)
I Love My Daddy. (STILL don't get it. )
I Love My Dad-----

"Waitaminnit. Does this mean what I think---?"

Choke...tears...laughing...kissing...hugging...reading it again and again and again...more tears and excitement.

"I Love My Daddy."

I was getting a puppy!!!!

(No honey...I'm just kidding.)

I was going to be a daddy!!!

More tomorrow...

Who Am I (part 2)?

One of the things my parents told me to help me go quietly to Mtn. Home was that there was a radio station there in town. My dad, who had accepted their job as school superintendent, had been interviewed on that station (KTLO) and the general manager had told him that I could have a part-time job if I came in to see him. When my parents told me this, my vision of becoming a big-time DJ started to become a reality.

Well, at least in my own mind.

Although I missed my friends in Northern Illinois tremendously, the job in radio filled in the gap but only slightly. I tried out for the football team but as a result of the "good ol' boy" system, I sat on the bench...a lot. If I was that bad of a player, I'd wished someone would've just said so instead of trying to fool me into thinking I'd ever amount to anything. When your team makes it to the early round of the state playoffs and you're wishing for a loss so you don't have to spend 5+ hours on a yellow school bus traveling to unknown parts of Arkansas on a Friday night, you know football isn't going to work out. I should have seen this when I didn't even get on the field for Homecoming night.

Me, along with several other seniors, sat idly by on this "special" night while the usual suspects killed time off the clock. Considering that throughout my "tenure" at MHHS I was never able to really connect to any of the bigshot football players who were the same age as me and in many of my classes, I really began to hate living in Mtn. Home. Here I was, supposed to be having the time of my life and enjoying my senior year. Instead, I was being isolated and ignored by the majority of anyone in my senior class. Yes, I had a few friends (thankfully) but there wasn't the sense of camaraderie I'd had at Central. To say my senior year was miserable is an understatement.

Until I met Jennifer.

One of my friends was someone named Kristin Turner. She was bright, smart, attractive and very engaging with people. I started hanging out more often with her and her friends. They were all smart and "good" students, something that probably couldn't be said about me. Yet, I felt like their influence on my life was something I wanted. They all seemed to have something inside them that looked beyond being popular. Things like who was dating who, who was having a big party this weekend, who got drunk yesterday in the parking lot...none of that was even remotely on their radar.

They seemed to be focused on Christian-like behavior. I was more focused on Van Halen and KISS. They were more interested in planning for their future. I was more interested in what shift I was working on the radio that weekend. Yet, I was drawn into their midst and felt a sense of peace about things when I was hanging out with them. I even began eating lunch with this group.

Boy, am I glad I did because one day, Kristin's sister, Jennifer, sat down in front of me at the lunch table and my life was instantly changed!!

"Whoa," I thought to myself. "She's H-O-T!!" (this is something I still say about her to this very day!)

"I wonder what I'd have to do to ask her out" I said quietly. "Well, let's play Joe Cool and get some inside info first off. Let's ask Kristin about her sister."

And that's what I did. She told me that Jennifer was a sweet girl, 2 years younger than me (no problem there) and she'd just broken up with a boy. Yes!!! It's all clear for me to ask her out. So, I did just that...although I don't remember the Joe Cool method I used as a nervous 17 year old. Whatever it was though...it worked.

She was a cheerleader and the Mtn. Home basketball team was doing pretty well so we'd have to wait for our date until they lost and she would have a Friday night available. This was late Feb/early March. Hmmm...what if our first date was my 18th birthday? Turns out the team kept winning and our date kept being pushed back until FINALLY the team lost and we were free to make a definitive date for our...ummm...date. (Another example of my ability to write from the Department of Redundancy Department)

And, it turns out that March 20th 1987 was indeed our first date. I believe it was Crocodile Dundee then pizza at Pizza Hut. She would want me to tell you that I nearly killed us as I drove away from her home. She and her family lived way down a dirt/chat road with a couple sharp curves. I'd just gotten a 1982 Olds Cutlass and I thought I was king of the world. Sweet car, 18 years old and a hot date with a hot girl. Unfortunately, the curve in the road thought otherwise.

As I approached this curve, she softly mentioned that I might want to slow down. (She never softly mentions anything like this nowadays...it's more like a "confident command". LOL) Being 18 and all-knowing, I thought I could take that curve at 35 instead of 20 like the sign said. I thought wrong. The car spun around and the image that haunts me to this day was Jennifer's hand shooting up to the top of my roof for support and her legs straightening out as if she were applying the brakes in a sudden fashion.

Remember that scene in Planes, Trains & Automobiles where John Candy & Steve Martin have that horrendous car wreck where they go between 2 semis and spin out for about a mile...then as they finally come to a stop, they have to dig their fingernails out of the dashboard as they sit silently, reflecting on what just happened?

Yeah...that was us when we stopped spinning.

Oh boy, I thought. Way to go, ya jerk. She's gonna ask you to take her home and you'll be back to reading your Spiderman comics on Friday nights at home...alone...AGAIN...ya loser.

But it didn't happen. In fact, not only did we make it to the movie AND pizza, I got to kiss her good night (a first for her, she later told me) AND another date. Plus, 5 days later, I gave her my class ring and made her "my girl".

Cue the 50's music and play the scene with me on a motorbike wearing a leather jacket.

Aaaaaaaaaaaay!

She couldn't resist my charm and still can't to this day as we've been together ever since. Yeah, that's it...my charm. HAHAHAHAHA

(To be continued...)

Who Am I?

I've alluded in the past to who I used to be vs. who I am today. Other than the 25 lbs I've lost since November (I'm hoping to lose another 20 by summer), I'm still the same guy people have known with the same personality and same quick wit. The thing that's different about me today is what's IN me, or more specifically WHO'S in me.

If you've read my profile you seen that I worked in radio for several years but gave it up to stay at home with the kids for a couple years and to devote my life to following Jesus Christ. After a very stirring and traumatic day, the important things in my life began to take priority.

I'll start at the beginning.

I was born & raised in the St. Louis area about 37 years ago. My parents divorced when I was about 3 or 4 but we continued to live close to where my grandparents lived. I didn't realize it then how much of a blessing this would turn out to be until much later in my life. My mom remarried a man and we moved from the St. Louis suburbs to a small little town on the Illinois side of the Mississippi.

It wasn't too long until I realized things were going to be different.

My new dad was a pretty strict man. No, actually, there was no "pretty strict" about it. He could be downright mean and controlling. To sit here and think about some of the things I endured throughout my childhood and teenage years has the potential to really rip off some scabs and reopen a lot of resentment. Thankfully, I serve a God much bigger than my problems and a God...THE God...who has taken away my hurt and pain.

I think he (my stepdad) must have felt that since he was the new dad in the home, he had to control me and my sister to the "nth" degree, molding us and making us conform to his every whim. It wasn't about even being disciplined a lot of the times. It was literally physical and mental abuse. I saw and felt it, both in the way he treated me and in the way he treated my mom. Yet even in those dark times of growing up, I was smart enough to realize how NOT to treat your wife, kids and family.

I thank my God for my grandparents for so many things. One of the things they always showed us was love. A warm, caring and inviting love that I was starving for. I think it was only one reason why my stepdad never seemed comfortable with them being around...we kids gravitated toward my grandparents, especially me toward my Grandpa. Our relationship is one that is thicker than us just being blood related.

It was sealed and nurtured by his (my grandfather's) relationship with God. He was a minister in the Nazarene church and I can still to this day remember as a young boy walking into that church auditorium with Bapa and us praying the Lord's Prayer together at the altar. It was special moments like this that I treasured growing up...the love of a man toward a child and the interest he had in me...not the kind of relationship I had with my stepdad where he was constantly in a foul, grumbly mood.

I will say a few things about my stepdad so it doesn't appear to become a "slag the dad" post. I'm only revealing a lot of these things so you can know how I was influenced and raised and see how I was changed.

My stepdad provided us all a good life materially and we never went without food or clothing or toys at Christmas or other "stuff", but really didn't give us a "home" biblically, as the Word calls a man/husband/father to do. It was tense and solitary for me a lot of the time.

Something I can see now (although I was too young, naive and stupid to realize it at the time) is that we were always in church. That is one thing I am thankful for...my consistent exposure to the Gospel, the Church and a continuing message of hope, although I was either too busy to really hear it, understand it or be interested in it.

I was a teenage boy, heavily into the things normal boys are interested in: comic books, sports, girls, video games and loud rock music. I had a drumset for a few years that I absolutely loved. I had to pick select times to play it (most notably whenever the family was going to be gone so I wouldn't cause them to lose their hearing as well...LOL). I used to listen to my hard rock tapes through my headphones while I learned how to play and thought I was getting pretty good. Visions of being a world famous rock drummer began to seep into my mind, as well as becoming a big-time radio DJ.

We moved and lived a great part of my teenage years 40 miles west of Chicago so when I discovered "radio", it was WLS and it's jocks that caught my ear. Most notably was Larry Lujack and his daily feature called "Animal Stories". He and another WLS dj, Tommy Edwards, would get together and read odd stories about animal occurences that were often hilarious. I can remember hearing them laugh so hard that the radio would actually be silent for a few minutes as they would gasp for breath. You could hear them wiping away the tears in their eyes as the story would continue and you couldn't help it yourself if YOU began to laugh hysterically.

This kind of morning radio really brightened my day. I began to dream about being like Larry Lujack. His big voice, his personality on the air, the cool music he could play...that's what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Then, one fateful day, I learned we were moving from the vast suburbs of Chicago (after 7 great years with the same group of friends, 5 of those years at a church where I was part of a very close youth group) to a place called "Arkansas".

All I knew about Arkansas 20 years ago was the stereotype image of the Beverly Hillbillies: a bunch of hicks living out in the woods, no running water, only a few natural teeth in each mouth and that sloooooow, suuuuhhhhhtherrrrrrn draaaawwwwwwwllll. Yikes!

I remember my shock and horror of hearing this. How could my parents do this to me? I was going to be a senior in high school the next year and now, I had to not only start a new school where I wouldn't know anyone but I couldn't graduate with my friends or pursue a relationship with a girlfriend I'd just started??? Argh...the anger and resentment began to boil.

One of my dad's board members there in Illinois told me he had a farm in Arkansas and that we'd come to really enjoy living down there. In fact, he told me, I bet you find yourself a real pretty girl down there and get married.

Impossible, I thought. I'm not interested in any girl from Arkansas and I'm not staying once I graduate high school!! Arkansas was for losers and I couldn't believe I had to move away at this time in my life.

But, that day came when the moving truck pulled out and I followed the family caravan in one of our cars.

Like it wasn't bad enough that we were moving...I had to drive, for 10 hours...

a pale yellow station wagon.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the car I dubbed "the beast".

To be continued...

A Great Day!

You ever get one of those head colds where you feel like you've been drop kicked by a mule? Oh man...that's how I feel today. I don't know if it's because of all the junk in the air or my recent painting the bathroom excursion on Monday (it's a lovely shade of yellow...officially known as "lemon parfait"...and who doesn't love a parfait, right?) but my head, eyes and nose are hurtin' bad.

There's a song by the Old Friends Quartet (which featured the late Jake Hess and George Younce) called "Great Day". Awesome old time gospel song that talks about a great day coming where the church is called home to be with the Lord. One line in particular says "Gabriel will warn you, some early morn you will hear his horn, rooty tootin' " and my son Jake probably thought he heard Gabriel's horn tootin' here this morning.

No, just his dad blowin' his nose and scaring the birds off the yard. Hey, if it's good to make the boy laugh, it's gotta be worth it.

Some exciting times coming up very soon!

First off, as I've mentioned before, our church (FBC Springdale) is in it's second week of the "Three Days" presentation. It is three consectutive Sunday portrayals of the life of Jesus and the impact His life had on all of us. This week will be a powerful depiction and again, let me invite you to join us if at all possible. Last night was our dress rehearsal and even in costume, many of us had been through this scene several times yet STILL...we felt the emotion of the moment. The members of the choir who hadn't seen the portrayal yet were also moved, some to the point of tears. I'll share more of what I've seen after we've completed "Day 2" later...I don't want to ruin the impact of what everyone will see, hear and experience. All I can say is God can move mightily, even during an Easter pageant rehearsal. Please make an effort to be there if you can.

If you can't attend any of the remaining 2 Sundays, keep looking for the DVD of the entire "Three Days" enactment. I'll let you know more about it's release when I learn more.

Second, if you go over to www.betweensundays.com, our Pastor, Dr. Ronnie Floyd, is in the midst of completing a 5 part series on the upcoming movie "The DaVinci Code". I'm not completely familiar with it's premise (the movie, that is) but from what I've heard from Christian leaders opinions I trust implicitly, there's not a lot that's scriptural about it. I'm excited to hear Pastor Floyd's series on this book/movie and what the Christian response needs to be. Pastor really opens himself to God's calling upon his life and is obedient to speak what He calls him to say. In fact last fall, Pastor Floyd did an extensive, in-depth series on the book of Revelation that totally opened my eyes to this incredible, yet ominous and often difficult to understand, book of the Bible. I can HIGHLY recommend this series if you'd like to learn more. Go to the bookstore section of FBC Springdale's website (www.fbcs.net) to purchase it. I know your life will be enriched after hearing it.

I hope you all have a great day today! Seek the Lord and spend some quality quiet time with Him. You never know what He might say to you. It could just change your life and the lives of those around you!

Why?

I want to start off today by inviting everyone who happens to read this to our church this weekend (FBC Springdale) for "Day 2" in our presentation of "Three Days". For three weekends, our church choir and ministry teams will be re-inacting some of the more poignant days in the ministry of Jesus. Last week we portrayed the calling of His disciples (the 12 most known), the triumpant entry to Jerusalem on the back of a donkey (we actually used a live donkey in this act) and a miracle scene in which Jesus healed a blind man, restored a lame man and brought a dead girl back to life. There was also a depiction as well as a narraration explaining the story of the woman who touched the robe of Jesus and He felt it. It was a great way to set the tone of Pastor Floyd's three part sermon that will coincide with each day's depiction.

This week, we will show the Last Supper, the betrayal and the crucifixion of Jesus.

Please, please come see this. It's not for our glory or to say "look how good we are". It's about seeing (literally depicted) the re-inactment of Jesus death upon that cross for our sins and the pain He indeed suffered for our expense. I had missed the prior rehearsal about a week and a half ago when the ministry team ran through this particular scene to get a feel for how it would play out so last night was my first time to see it.

I won't give anything away but I will say that last night was the first time that I've ever been a part of a depiction where I've lost myself in the moment and actually broke down crying at what I saw.

The music, the songs, the lighting, the portrayal...it all moved me so much that there was no way I could stop the tears from welling up inside. Some of the aspects of what was going on hit me and caused me to stop & think about several things.

What if that were MY son the crowds were tormenting, beating, spitting on and mocking? What if that were MY son the soldiers flogged, whipped, scourged and drove nails through his hands? What if that was MY son hanging brutally on a splintered, bloody cross as a punishment for something he didn't do? What if that was MY son crying out to me, his father, in despair and torment, pleading for my help?

Could I allow any of this to happen? Could you?

To see this all depicted in front of my own eyes, to allow myself to be taken back in time to when this actually occured and to consider this from a parent's perspective, how could I not feel the emotion swell up inside me? Can you imagine the pain in God's heart as He watched this all happen to His only Son?

Yes, God knew the only way any of us could receive full salvation from our own sins and deserved death was for His Son to take OUR place as an atonement. Yes, He knowingly sent Jesus to fulfill this plan for our benefit and yes, He allowed this all to happen (the beatings, the mockings, the scourging, the painful death and abondonment) for the sake of us all.

But God is STILL a Father and I can't even begin to imagine what kind of grief and pain He must have felt as He stepped aside to let this happen. I'm sure many of us as parents would go through hell for our kids if they were faced with anything even slightly resembling this brutality.

Mothers who are reading this today...did any of you see "The Passion" a couple years ago? Do you remember one of the most talked about scenes from that movie? It was the one where Mary saw Jesus coming toward her, bloody & weak with the cross upon his back, staggering for support and laboring for breath, when suddenly He begins to fall towards her. In a flash, she sees a 3 year old boy running toward her when he begins to fall on the street. As she rushes to comfort Him, she holds the crying toddler in her arms and soothes his pain in a way only a mother can do.

And then, she is back in present time, seeing her son, God's Son, looking at her with pleading and hurting eyes. She knows He needs help but this time, she cannot comfort Him.

God allowed this all to happen because of one thing. That one thing we never seem to get. It's that one thing that people will ignore, refute or even completely disregard as anything relevant in today's world.

Love.

His love. For me and for you.

How do I know this?

"For God so loved the world that He gave His ONLY begotten Son...that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent notHis Son into the world to condem the world but that the world through Him might be saved." (John 3:16-17)

God allowed the brutal crucifixion of His Son because He loves us. Because we could never ever ever do enough to save ourselves (we are not saved by works but our faith!), He knew that only the sacrifice of Jesus Christ would satisfy the debt and punishment we deserved because of our sinful nature.

All of us were faced with a literal, bloody image last night at rehearsal. We were faced with a choice we all had to make. Maybe some of us have already made that choice, perhaps not. Maybe some of you reading this today are now facing this choice.

Will you love and serve the One who came to die in YOUR place, the One who did so obediently even though, as the song says "He could have called 10,000 angels" to come and help Him, the One who looked ahead into time and saw YOU and allowed this excruciating death to happen for YOUR sake...

or will you continue to reject it all?

I urge you with all that I have in me...receive the gift He so willingly gave. Allow Him to change your life and fill your heart with joy, love, hope...

and peace.