Who Am I (part 4)?

Before I get back into my "mini-novel", let me just say what an incredible weekend we had at our church for Easter services. I was amazed to see how jammed packed the early Sunday morning service was, as the crowds spilled over from the sanctuary to the chapel and even in the hallways. I was able to listen to Pastor Floyd's message "Responding to the DaVinci Code" out in a side hallway while still in my full "Doubting Thomas" garb. Needless to say, as soon as we got home from lunch, the grizzled look and beard came off within seconds and the baby-faced smooth & clean "me" re-emerged. Just in time for some hot spring days here in NWArk.

I've got Kaitlyn home with me today. She fought a 102 degree fever all weekend and took a bunch of Motrin yesterday so she felt well enough to come see Daddy act like a disciple on stage. The meds wore off almost immediately after lunch and she dozed off the entire way home. She's got the "Tylenol" high going right now and is due for a dose of Motrin as soon as I'm done here today.

So, where were we. Ahhh yes...I was getting a puppy...I mean we were having a baby!

Well, we started calling all our friends and family to tell them the good news. As Jennifer called her folks, I started thumbing through a book called "What To Expect While You're Expecting." I was just glancing at a few pages when I stumbled on a section detailing the changes a woman's body goes through as she begins to adjust having a life grow inside her. One of the things it said would / could happen is the...ummm...how do I put this delicately...bodily emissions (sp?) and the potency therewith.

"Hmmm" I thought to myself. "So she could smell bad from time to time. No big deal. My bride is carrying our child and it will be worth it all!"

We finished up calling our family with the good news and hopped in the car, even more ready to celebrate and relax at the Lake of the Ozarks. We had about a 90 minute drive and we were flying high on emotion. A child??? Us??? Very cool.

We opened up the sunroof and started singing Michael Bolton songs. OK, OK...look. I was under the influence of sheer elation and my singing of MB songs can't be held against me. Plus, my wife seemed to enjoy it so it wasn't like it was MY suggestion.

So there we were, speeding...I mean DRIVING down the interstate at a brisk yet fun-filled pace, sunroof down, stars in the sky, dreams being discussed and love in the air.

Until the "love" in the air began to turn stinky. Then it became raunchy. Finally, it almost began to gag me. What was this putrid odor and where was it coming from? Then I remembered the book.

Oh yes...and oh no. The smells have begun. Wow. I love you sweetheart but that smell...whew. OK man, suck it up and accept it. She's carrying your spawn so you don't need to be complaining to her if she lets a few "out" accidentally. She doesn't complain 'cause you're fat so shut it.

(These are the kind of conversations I have with myself...a LOT!)

Our eyes met and she had a warm, glowing smile on her face.

"Oh man...can she not smell what she's done" I screamed inside my brain? "Just look at her...all smiling and looking hot but totally ignoring the fact she's asphyxiating me over here. Grrrrr...she probably has a gi-normous insurance policy taken out on me that will only go into effect if I die of suffocation...and THIS is the way she's chosen to take me out."

The soft, loving smiles continued between the two of us and still...I said nothing.

I DID roll down my window to hopefully get some relief from the cockpit of the car.

"Ahhhhh...fresh air. It's fresh FARM air that's tainted with the odor of cow droppings but it's at least fresh. Oh come on...we've still got 35 minutes to go. Come on...COME ON!!!" I thought silently.

The waves of odor within the car began to dissipate slightly, enough so that I could finally close my window and the sunroof. By this time, Michael Bolton had been put to sleep and the elation I'd had when we'd left Columbia had become somewhat subdued. Finally, I saw the hotel up ahead.

I whipped into the driveway and leapt from the car to go get checked in...and wouldn't you know it, as soon as I did, I got another HUGE whiff of that odor.

I whimpered inside because I knew at that moment, a few things were becoming crystal clear.

1. No amount or style of lingerie was going to make me feel romantic THAT night.
2. I may have to do something considering we were still about 7.5 months out from the baby.
3. I had to figure out a way to politely tell her about this chapter in the book.

Disappointment and despair began to set in as I approached the check-in desk. I got my keys (we'd booked a romantice room with a spa in it as well, I believe) and got back into the car to park it.

"Did you get the keys" she asked excitedly?

"Yes, I got them. We're just around the corner here" I replied.

Sure enough, the room was ready for us and had all the amenities we'd asked for. For any normal, red blooded BREATHING male, the anticipation of his wife in a sheer red teddy would've been in high gear. Not me though. My 90 minute trip ingesting methane fumes had done me in. I brought in the rest of our luggage and sat despondantly on the bed as Jennifer went to the restroom to unpack her makeup & stuff.

As I untied my hiking boots, the smell hit me again. Egad!! Will I never survive the pursuance of this demonic odor? I felt like some tragic character in a Shakespearean play.

Yet there, to my utter amazement and relief, I found the source of the smell. It wasn't my wife after all. The source of this foul odor was smashed onto the bottom of my shoe. Someone had neglected to clean up after Fido and I had stepped in the evidence and carried it with me that entire way.

I was the source of the stink (so to speak), not Jennifer. Not my sweet, innocent, floral-like princess of a wife. How dare I think such vile, dispicable things about her!!!! The nerve of me!!!

I began to laugh in relief at what I'd found. Jennifer came out of the bathroom and asked what was so funny. As I began to relay the story to her, the smile left her lips and eyes as she then began to pierce me with visual daggers, as if to say "you actually thought I could stink like that?"

Word of advice to all hubbys out there: never assume the stench you dread is not coming from under your own feet...and never share your baseless assumptions (especially those involving your wife) with her. It'll make for a much more relaxing weekend.

(To be continued...)