Workin' Out

So this week is about to come to an end and I'm happy to say I've done very well with re-configuring my workouts to a time when it's very do-able for me to consistently get them in. I've been shooting for 8:30a each day after I've dropped the kids off at school and scarfed down an apple and a small bowl of Cheerios.

As it is now, Monday, Wednesday and Fridays are going to be "cardio" days. That means I do some strenuous physical activity like jogging, walking briskly, riding a bike or something that's going to burn off some calories. I'm shooting for about an hour of activity each day.

Tuesday and Thursdays are my "weight" days. This week, I did a body-pump class on Tuesday (and woke up sore as all get out on Wed) and a Pilates class today. Apparently I got put into an advanced Pilates class today, at least that's what the sign on the sheet said. Nothing like going from NEVER doing it to a pretty intense level of contorting myself.

Oh the agony and embarrassment.

I knew I was in trouble when I saw how lean, slender and fit everyone in that class was. Granted, I know that one of the positives of doing Pilates is you develop long, slender, stronger muscles but a vast amount of these folks were in great shape.

I mean...professional fitness shape.

Some of these women moved with the style & grace of a ballerina. The way the moved from side to side, up & down, arms flowing over their heads and under their legs as they stretched and contorted...I wondered if I looked anywhere near as good as they did.

Lucky for me, the entire room was surrounded in mirrors so my questions were soon answered.

Oh my word.

As aerodynamic and graceful as they were, I was about as smooth and slenderized as a pile of firewood.

"Are you kidding me" I asked myself numerous times in my head as the lead instructor continued to command us to contort in ways no normal, lazy, Pillsbury doughboy like me ought to move.

We were doing ab crunches, leg lifts, leg spins on our backs, laying on our stomachs and simulating swimming motions, reclined bicycles with our backs hovering off the ground and our feet spinning out in front of us and my (not so) favorite...

grasping our knees to our chests and rolling forwards & back.

Of course, throughout all these exercises, we were to keep constant pressure on our abs, the idea of building up the muscles and endurance most associated with abdominal workouts.

So, imagine yourself with your knees pulled to your chin, your arms wrapped around the outer part of your knees (you're basically in a ball) and rolling back onto your back then coming back up using your abdominals as the force that lifts you up.

I got this done properly about 5 times and then gasped, released my death grip and uttered my "go to" phrase in my mind silently.

"Oh you've got to be kidding me."

As the instructor began to "encourage" us further to keep lifting and crunching, a sudden panic gripped me.

If you can imagine yourself rocking back and forth in this "ball" position, realize that as your hips meet the ground, there is a slight, direct pressure on your inner stomach muscles. These are the same muscles that we all use to prevent certain...ahem...emissions...from...well, emitting...from our bodies.

Ask any guy who's been involved in a sit-up contest in high school gym class and he'll tell you about people who accidentally let one slip as they were in the process of vigorously doing ab raises.

This sudden, terrifying thought gripped my mind like an iron vice and wouldn't let go.

I knew there was no immediate pressure that I could feel that would indicate the "trumpet" was going to blow. But what if there was a surprise hiding in the bushes somewhere?

My buddy later told me "you need to constantly remind yourself that there could be one in the chamber you don't know about."

Hmmm. Good advice for sure.

However, the panic was still there.

"What if this happens to me? What if you let one out and all these WOMEN hear it and realize it was done by the ONE MAN in the class? What then? Could an earthquake possibly occur at that moment and swallow me whole? It's doubtful...so don't 'foul' it up."

Inner voice 1: Hey! Nice play on words, Jim.
Inner voice 2: Thanks! That was completely unintentional but it worked, didn't it?

So, for the next 30 minutes, I let up on my intensity for fear of making others aware of my presence. If my blood pressure was elevated a bit, it wasn't because I was getting an intense workout. It was because I had an intense fear creeping over me.

Thankfully and mercifully, the class came to an end with no "revelations". I'm still planning on attending the next Pilates class next week but I'll be sure to write myself a note for Wednesday night...

"no bean burritos for supper."

Seems like good advice.