Who Am I (part 6)?

I was on my way to work with Kaitlyn in the backseat, singing along with her Barney CD. There was one song in particular, the Muffin Man, that she absolutely loved!! In fact, we played it so much that the laser inside the CD player actually burned the CD so you can't even play that song anymore. True story. But on that day, we were still able to play the entire CD without any problem.

I had stopped at the intersection right before we entered her daycare when my sister Angela called me.

"Hello" I said.

"Hey, what are you doing right now? Have you heard what just happened?" she asked.

"Well, I'm about to drop Kaitlyn off at school. We're listening to Barney so I don't have the radio on. What's going on?" I replied.

"You will not believe this, in fact I can't believe what I'm seeing, but a plane just flew into one of the World Trade Center towers" she said excitedly.

"What?? A plane flew into the World Trade Center? Are you kidding? Let me drop Kaitlyn off and I'll call you right back" I said.

What in the world was going on? I mean, I'd heard of plane crashes before but a plane actually flying into a building? Proposterous. There had to be more to this story.

I quickly dropped Kaitlyn off and got back in my car, not saying much to the daycare workers for fear of scaring some of the kids...but there was a very tense atmosphere there as a few teachers had quietly begun to gather around a TV. Word of this "crash" had started to trickle in so I hurried out the door to turn on the radio. I also called Angie back as I began to listen to the reports from New York.

"Jimmy, another plane has just hit the other tower now and officials are speculating this is not an accident. They are thinking this is planned out" she told me as she picked up the phone.

The radio reports from our morning show on KPLA were relaying the info that the Associated Press was sending across the wire. You could hear alarms going off in the background as Tom & Sara were talking, people speaking in loud, excited voices just off the mic and a very tense vibe began to permeate the airwaves.

"Angie, I have to get to the station. It sounds like they're going to need some help with all these reports. I'll call you later" I said.

My mind began to race as I contemplated what was going on and as I tried to prepare myself for the stressful situation I was about to walk in to there at the station. Our radio group had 4 stations in one building. KPLA (the one I was on), an adult rock station (AAA is how it's referred to in the radio biz...people like REM, Sting, Sheryl Crow and more eclectic artists), a top 40 station and KFRU, the news-talk station. KFRU had pretty much taken over most of the other 3 stations airwaves (an all station simulcast) and people had crammed into the KFRU studio to watch one of the several TV's that had begun showing the now infamous images of the two towers billowing smoke and debris. This was unreal.

Announcers on the television (network anchors) were starting to sound nervous and unsure of what was actually going on. People were running in the streets. There was confusion and panic beginning to set in, both in New York (on the TV) and in our own newsroom. Smoke continued to billow and pour from the windows. Some people watching the TV's said they thought they actually saw people jumping from the windows to a certain death.

I never saw that but I know many who did.

I spoke out loud to whomever might respond "Those towers are pretty strong right? I mean, there's not much chance of them collapsing, is there?"

Silence. Then a couple stammers.

15 seconds later, someone screamed out.

One of the towers had just collapsed.

I was in absolute shock and horror. My stomach began to churn and ache feverishly. Did I just see what I thought I saw? Did one of the WTC towers just fall? Oh man...the people trapped inside, the people under the building, the destruction, the carnage that was beginning to be realized...and another tower STILL on fire.

"Please God" I prayed in desperation. "Please, please, please God...spare those people and protect them from any more destruction. Oh God, be with the firefighters who are there trying to help save the other build---"

The other tower fell in a cloud of sickening sight and sound.

"Oh God! The other tower just FELL!!" someone yelled from down the hallway. A few people left the room with their hands over their eyes and mouth. Others stood there silently, looking bewildered at each other for support and for reassurance. Yet there was none to be found.

Someone had caused the death of countless thousands of people by crashing 2 jets into the World Trade Center.

And then, to make matters even worse, there came a report of a lone jet that had just been confirmed as veering from it's original course and was now headed eastward...presumably toward Washington DC.

Would this madness ever end? How could all of this happen? Couldn't our law enforcement or military do something to stop this chaos? Where was the next "attack" going to occur? Were WE safe there in Mid-Missouri? I thought of Jennifer and Kaitlyn, both of whom were witin one mile of a nuclear reactor on the University of Missouri campus. What if someone decided to blow up a plant in the heart of the US, much like they did in Oklahoma City a few years earlier?

Police radio scanners were going off all over the newsroom. People were running around frantically from studio to studio with rapid fire updates. Local law enforcement officials were moving into position to try and prevent a tragedy there in Columbia, most notably there at Reactor Field.

The entire day's programming was pre-emtped (obviously) by newscasts from the networks and us there locally. There were no leisurely contests going on over the airwaves, no plans being made for lunch, no standing around the coffee machine discussing the Tigers, no...it was utter chaos. I remember all of the jocks being on the air giving updates as they became available and it wasn't an issue which station you were on. We had KPLA jocks doing updates on KBXR. KFRU newscasters updating the listeners on KPLA. People pitching in as much as they could, trying to keep people informed.

Later that afternoon, rumors of price gouging at the gas pumps began to spread. People making mass purchases at the local grocery stores, gas station owners increasing a gallon of gas to near $5, parents pulling their kids out of schools to rush home. Panic was starting to ensue and we had to be there on the air, attempting as best we could to calm people's fears, reassuring them that there was NOT going to be a gas shortage in Mid-Mo...as long as everyone acted in a responsible manner.

Every thing we take for granted on a daily basis (ie: food, water, gas, travel) was now falling under the public eye of having supplies depleted.

I don't remember when I got on the air but I do remember driving home that night around 8:30. It was dark and quiet, things had started to settle down, at least in regards to the public panicking there locally. There were still reports coming in from New York, some valid, others more rumor than fact. You even had a few nutjobs who felt this was a good time to pull a prank bomb threat.

As I drove home, I sat in silence and started thinking about...everything. My life. My family. My job. The things that were TRULY important in my life. And then, I heard something I'd never heard before.

I heard a voice. It was a voice deep within my heart and head. It spoke calmly and soothingly to me.

It said "be still...and know that I am God."

"Know...that I am God."

"Know that I am God and I love you. I have always loved you and I want you to know Me."

The stress of the day, the realization that I was not nearly as strong as I thought I was and hearing this Voice speak words of comfort and peace...to my SOUL...it was all I could take.

I pulled off the side of the road and began to weep. Giant sobs welled up from within me as I began to think of all those who'd lost their lives that day, as I thought of all the families who would never see their loved ones again, as I thought of all those people who would never see their spouses or family members anymore...and as I thought of all those babies out there who'd never see Mommy or Daddy ever again. I was broken, physically and spiritually. I had never felt such grief or such vulnerability before.

I was literally there, scared, naked and raw. I actually felt a quaking going on inside my heart as I thought of all the events of that day. As I remembered the images of those towers falling again and again and again, I saw in my mind the walls around my heart begin to quiver, then crumble and finally crash to the ground in a giant heap of rubble. I cried out to God and pleaded for Him to save me.

"God, I know I've been doing my own thing for far too long and ignoring you. I know that I've been drifting further and further away from you. I know that I've never had the kind of relationship with you where I've TOTALLY submitted my life to you. I've been a drunk, acted like an idiot, been tempted by other women, lied and cheated just to get ahead on the job, promoted the sin and debauchery You loathe and have justified it as 'just doing my job'.

My Lord, please forgive me of all of this. If You've been trying to get my attention, You've succeeded. I'm here and I'm listening to Your voice. God, I'm so sorry for all I've done and I ask for Your forgiveness of all my sins. I've tried to find places for You to "fit" in my life but right now, I totally give it ALL up to You. I give up my job...take me where You want me to go. I give you my family...please bless and protect them. Make me the husband and father YOU want me to be. I give you my rock music...I no longer need Van Halen or anyone else to satisfy my soul. Take away my desire for that music and lifestyle. I want to live to serve You in ALL things. God, please hear my prayer tonight."

There is no way to verbally explain the immediate peace I felt and the enormous weight that was lifted off my shoulders and out of my life. Though I was still in sorrow over the day's events and the realization of the brokenness of my life, I began to experience joy and peace from God above. I felt like I knew He had forgiven me and He was going to start working in my life, taking me to places I'd never dreamed I'd go.

I felt like I was coming home.

When I got home that night, I did like I'm sure countless thousands did. I held onto my family and told them I loved them and I was so glad they were home safe with me.

That's the same thing I felt (and heard) God say to me as I opened my life to Him that night in my 1998 white Grand Am on Georgetown Drive.

"My child, I love you. I love you so much I gave you my Son as a sacrifice for your sins. And even though this has been a painful day for you, I am SO glad you are finally home with Me. The angels and I are applauding wildly for you this very moment. Remember...I love you and I will never leave nor forsake you."

God, through His miraculous greatness and mercy, saved me on 9-11. He has shown me so much in the past 4 1/2 years and has helped me to walk and mature in His way. He's done everything He said He would do. He took the sin and sorrow from my life and replaced it with a joy unspeakable. He's given me a new life and a new reason to live! He gave me (and you) His Son Jesus who turned and gave His life for my sins, paying the price of sin I should have paid.

And He also gave me something I'd never really had before 9-11.

He gave me assurance in knowing that when I die, I AM going to Heaven.
He gave me confidence in sharing what He's taught me...that ALL people can receive His gift of eternal life.
He gave me His love.

He gave me His peace.

Thank you God for saving me and making me become the MAN You want me to be. Let my lifesong sing to You and may all who see me see Jesus Christ first.