Random Ramblings

One of the guys who's always made me laugh is Bill Cosby. I remember in 7th or 8th grade, I had one of his tapes and I could recite word for word the majority of the bits he'd done. Just ask my grandparents. It used to be "Showtime at Jim's House" whenever they'd come visit because I always had a new Bill Cosby routine ready to perform. One of my favorites was when he would talk about "brain damage".

This "brain damage" bit deals with how kids have a mind of their own but refuse to own up to anything. If you tell them one thing, they'll go out and do the exact opposite. You say "get up for school" they go back to sleep. You say "quit touching your brother" they keep poking him in the ribs. You say "don't eat that cake for breakfast", which happens to be another great Cosby story (Dad is great...give us chocolate cake!), the child grabs the cake anyway.

But then, when you confront the child as to WHY they did what you asked them not to, what's the patent response we've ALL heard?

"I don't know."

"You don't know or you just don't want to admit you got caught"

"I don't know."

Cosby does such a brilliant job acting out his frustration as the kids continue to play dumb and not admit to why they did what he's asked them not to. Of course, he attributes it to brain damage. Believe me, I can surely relate.

Just this weekend alone, I spent several minutes at a time trying to "communicate" with Kaitlyn on a vast array of things. Things like 'put your Gameboy down' or 'brush your teeth for bed' or 'come here and help your brother'. You know...simple things.

Yet, it took me no fewer than 5 requests PER incident to get her attention!! I've often maintained to my wife that if these kind of things are going on after 7pm at night, it must be because she & I are suddenly speaking Portuguese because there's no other way our child would be blatantly ignoring us like she is. I mean...really...

I stood in the doorway of her room at bedtime, trying to get her attention, saying "Kaitlyn", "Kaitlyn", "Kaitlyn", "Kaitlyn", "KAITLYN!

Here's where it gets good. The child had the audacity to actually look startled, as if she only realizes at that moment that I'm standing there, pretending like she didn't see me the past 2 minutes.

She even added in a quick "startled jerk" to her head for further effect. Oh yes...she's good. Very good.

Instead of the expected "I don't know" reply as I interrogated her, I got another oldie but goodie.

"I didn't hear you."

Ahhh yes. The old audible nocturnal deficiency syndrome. I remember it well. In fact, I've been known (or accused depending on who you ask) to still use this in spousal discussions which, oddly enough, occur after 9pm. Hmmmm...maybe there is something to this after all.

Switching gears for a bit, is anyone else as happy as I am that Dancing With The Stars is now over? Not saying I didn't enjoy it (I still say Stacy was robbed...no way she should've been voted off!! Uh oh...I hear a robotic voice going off questioning my masculinity) but I'm glad it's done. One of the funniest bits I saw regarding DWTS was on ESPN last night.

One of ESPN's anchors, Kenny Mayne, was on the show and happened to be the first one voted off. On the FIRST night!! Distinction or disgrace...you be the judge. Anyway, it's obvious he wasn't real torn up about it but his commentaries afterwards were priceless. The post DWTS video ESPN shot continued to dog out Kenny and his "efforts". I watched those late last night, holding my sides and almost crying at the idiocy.

They showed him getting a "4" from the judge on the show, out of a possible "10". Then, in further post-DWTS life adventures, it was revealed that anything having to do with "dance" was impossible for Mayne to discuss. After scoring a touchdown during a pickup game in the yard, he couldn't do a showboat dance in the endzone. During a sportscast, he couldn't mention the word "dance" when referring to the upcoming March Madness basketball tourney. He couldn't even bring himself to watch "Dances With Wolves" and threw the DVD in the garbage.

Then, the camera panned to the right and there, in the privacy of his own home, stood a little old lady holding a giant sandwich board sign with the number "4" boldly painted on it.

I was laughing so hard, I had to hold my sides to stop all the jiggling and bouncing, thus preventing another collapse of the couch which stands on non-sturdy legs.

Yet, the response from my wife poured the water of cynicism, disgust and pity on my fire of exuberance, elation and frivolity.

"You finished yet? It wasn't that funny."

It'd be here that I'd insert the sound of a balloon being deflated and the slobbery noise it makes if I could...cause that's exactly how I felt from then on.

Yes, this clown may be smiling on the outside, but there are times it's raining on the inside.

~fin